The Attack of the MarySue
by lovenarnia
Summary: We all know what happens when a Mary-Sue is unleashed on a hapless High King, right? But what if, instead of being bewitched, he can watch it happen? Beware the wrath of the High King Peter!
1. The Arrival of the Narnian MarySue

****Disclaimer: CS Lewis owns all this, and I own nothing of it. I am responsible for the storyline, however. You can kill me for it, if you like.****

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><p>Peter was doing what a High King was expected to do: sit in counsel with his siblings and patiently hear all sorts of hopelessly convoluted cases. He was also doing what a High King was, in the mind of his subjects, incapable of doing—namely, waiting impatiently for lunch.<p>

At last, Edmund stood and said, "Fair subjects, may the blessings of Aslan be upon you as you do his will." Which, by the way, was the signal that court was adjourned and lunch was in order. For which Peter was inordinately grateful. In a high and magnificent way, you understand. Which is all very good.

Edmund stood up as the silence in the room broke into small conversations here and there. He immediately sat down again, for a horrible racket outside the Cair suddenly intruded into the babble of the courtroom and drowned out every other sound. May I remind you that the courtroom was in the exact center of the castle, surrounded with thick, stone walls, and surmounted with a thick, stone roof. The racket, which sounded like some sort of song, was being sung outside the palace, and even so its sheer volume visibly shook the walls.

"I've had enough of this noise," Lucy shouted to Susan, who, incidentally, sat beside her. "Let's just go out and see what is happening." Peter somewhat reluctantly agreed, and so it was that the entire Narnian court found themselves atop the battlements of Cair Paravel, staring down at what could only be termed an eyesore.

There, in front of the castle, was a girl. But _WHAT_ a girl! Not only was her hair an ugly shade of urple, but it had blue, red, blond, and black highlights running through it. Susan privately thought it looked like a nasty wound in the last stages of gangrene. Her dress was several sizes too small, particularly in the bodice. It was a nasty mixture of magenta and lime green.

But the song she was singing as she bounced and skipped before the castle topped it all. Her voice, Peter decided, made nails on chalkboards sound like Mozart's finest works (despite the fact that he could not recall any at the moment). The words, earlier somewhat muffled, were now completely clear. Upon discerning them, the High King promptly lost his voracious appetite. Completely.

_"ooooh, peeteyweetey, i luv uuuuuuuuu,_  
><em>"cuz yur soooooooooo hooooooooootttttttttt1<em>  
><em>"open ur gattes an dlet meeee innnnnnnnn<em>  
><em>"cuz ur soooooooooo hoooooooooottttttttttttttt"<em>

Tumnus turned an impressive shade of green. Lord Peridan unceremoniously clapped his hands over his ears. Peter turned beet red. Edmund gagged.

At that moment, to everyone's chagrin, the gates of Cair Paravel swung open and Peter came running out. Excuse me. Something that _looked _like Peter came running out. He was dressed in too-tight green-and-magenta leggings and an outlandish tunic covered in flowers. ("My EYES!" cried Peter.)

If the group on the battlements thought the situation was bad before, it was unimaginably worse now. The thing that looked like Peter dropped to his knees in front of the Eyesore.

"My darlingeth!" He blubbered, "From whenceth hasteth thouest comesteth? Whateth isteth thine fair namesteth?"

The real Peter choked. "What is your WHAT?"

The Eyesore elegantly screeched, "Mu anme si Sophia Liliana Margarina Ravenlocks!1 liek, peeteyweetey, teka em sinide teh casl!"

Peeteyweetey immediately swooned at his beloved's feet. "Sure, cutey!"

"o peeteyweetey, due u relly luv me/

"yeh luv i du

"then mabe latter we coud..." And she raised her eyebrow (carefully plucked, of course) suggestively.

It took Peter a full thirty seconds to understand just what she wanted him to do. "Now, by the Mane, that hussy has gone too far!" he spat out wrathfully. "Edmund, come with me. I have a plan."

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><p>Just a weird idea I had a while ago. Enjoy!<p> 


	2. The Revenge of the Narnian Kings

****Disclaimer: Again, I don't own any of this delightful place. I do, however, own Sophia Liliana Margarina Ravenlocks (and you are quite welcome to draw and quarter _her_).****

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><p><em>"YOU WANT TO DO <strong>WHAT<strong>!"_

"Ed, calm down."

"Calm down! Peter, you are proposing placing yourself directly in the path of all her freakish powers."

"I am not likely to fall for her, Ed. Do you remember what happened when...what was her name...WhiteCloud Rivergoddess Precious Princess happened along?"

"You threw her into Bism, where she dissolved and was mistakenly used as fertilizer on the rubies, which promptly shrivelled and died."

"Right."

"_After_ I rescued you from her clutches and nearly got challenged to a 'duel for her honor' for my pains, before Aslan made you see reason."

"... Erm, right."

"Look, if you are going to do something so unutterably _stupid_ as go through with this, I'm doing it too."

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><p>"<em>YOU ARE GOING TO DO <strong>WHAT<strong>?"_

"Susan, stop screaming like a banshee and listen to this. It's-"

"-horribly planned-out-"

"-planned down to the last detail and there is-"

"-a good chance that you could be turned into a duo of mooning idiots-"

"-not the ghost of a chance of failure, because we are-"

"-untouchable, despite the many times you have fallen to-"

"-strong kings, unable to fall to the wiles of-"

"-the ghastly misrepresentations of the human race known as-"

"-such petty inconveniences as-"

"-Mary-Sue."

"-Mary-Sue."

Lucy giggled. "That almost sounded planned."

"Edmund, I'm just saying that I fear for your safety."

"That's nice, Su, but that shrieking nightmare will be _inside this castle_ in a few minutes, dragging that pitiful excuse of a brother-copy with her. Do you really think doing _NOTHING_ is the best way to stop her?"

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><p>Sophia Liliana Margarina Ravenlocks <em>thought<em> that Peetey-weetey was "brngnnig rhe nito teh casle no shi amrs" and that "teh casle dores opnedsd bi tehmsealfes b/c uv hir gr8 beootry," but in reality, she was walking straight into a trap with Peetey-weetey dangling from her arm like an oversized rag doll. No sooner had she set foot inside than the heavy doors "sung" shut behind her. Peetey-weetey made a grandiose movement with his arm (presumably to exhibit the grandeur of his "casle"), and succeeded only in hitting his hand against an immoveable rock wall.

At that moment, a brown-haired boy walked out in front of her and fell at her feet, ogling as one moon-struck. Peetey-weetey, of course, was upset by this and "calegnd" the new-comer to a "duet." Edmund (for so the new-comer was) couldn't help but chuckle at the thought before charging the usurper and driving him, blow-by-blow, into a dark hallway, where the brothers quickly stripped him of his ghastly garments and put them on Peter.

Peter proceeded to swagger out of the hallway in front of Sophia Liliana Margarina Ravenlocks and hold out his (gloved) hand. She took it.

"Ach, mi prety prinsecss," Peter said, careful to misspell each word, "i hav vensquished mih evul bro and watn yeuo 2 mery mee!" He mentally gagged.

"Squee?" squeed the Mary-Sue.

"No," replied Edmund, stepping out of the shadows. "Your Peetey-weetey is dead!"

"But, hes heer!" said the Sue, her tiny brain going into overload.

"No, this is a sorry imposter for your Peetey-weetey."

"Eeep?" eeped the Mary-Sue.

"Eeep," Edmund confirmed as he unsheathed his sword.

There was no real killing, after all, since Mary-Sues most certainly have no souls.

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><p>"Perhaps I was wrong," Susan said, sipping some delicious spiced wine that evening. "Perhaps you are strong enough to withstand the evils of a Mary-Sue."<p>

"I'd rather not have to," Peter said, stretching out on the divan.

"Second that!" Edmund called from his chess game with Lucy.

"You have to admit, though," Lucy said, moving a piece, "it does keep life interesting. Check-mate."


End file.
